Your dad touched me again.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She told me I should be a condom model.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
