I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
