There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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