I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
