I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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