Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
