You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
