I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My breasts were aching with rage.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
