we have pet lesbian snakes
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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