Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
