Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
