genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
