I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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