We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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