god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
