my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
