She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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