I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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