I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
