Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
