There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
