I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
