just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
