I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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