you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
