bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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