He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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