This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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