last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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