he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
