Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
