Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
