I'm so fucking centered right now
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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