I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
