I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
