At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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