capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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