I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
