dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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