i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
