mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
