perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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