You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
