I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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