My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
She needs sedatives and a leash
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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