last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
