It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
