Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
