Cold hands, warm shart.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
