i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Hippo gnu deer
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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