I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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