So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
