Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
