Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My liver just had a heart attack.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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