dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
