Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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