I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
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