New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
