Where did you get a picture of my penis
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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